It Could Have Been!

All the things that could have happened in India - and the world - but haven't (yet).

Mystery of Wailing North Korean Mourners Solved

31 December, 2011,

Pyongyang, North Korea

The mystery behind images of weeping North Koreans, mourning the death of Kim Jong-Il, widely perceived as a dictator and tyrant, has finally been solved.

An investigation by this reporter, which was conducted largely in sign language, revealed that the North Korean state television had posted its itinerary shortly before the procession began.

After the telecast of the funeral, the channel proposed to intersperse speeches by Kim Jong-Il with three Indian phenomena that seem to have piqued international curiosity - the song Why this Kolaveri Di, ball-by-ball replays of the missed hundredth hundreds Sachin Tendulkar could have scored, and five-minute clippings from the two Shahrukh Khan blockbusters of the year - Ra.One and Don 2.

A grim voiceover is believed to have said the itinerary could be altered to show Kim's speeches alone, if citizens conducted themselves without decorum at the funeral procession.

Moved to tears either by the exhortation, or by the prospect of failing in their task, North Koreans turned up in large numbers, and bawled as a larger-than-life poster of their grinning leader crawled past the fenced-off pens they were herded into.

Indian Twitterati were not reachable for comments, and those by the North Korean ones were found unreadable due to linguistic challenges.

Maya, Mamata want a piece of the Mummy pie

December 11, 2011,

Kolkata, Paschim Banga

On a lazy day at the West Bengal – oops, Paschim Banga – State Assembly, an MLA popped a question that would set off a row over nomenclature, across the nation.

“A Dravidian state, full of misogynists, hails its Chief Minister as its mother. In a state where the Mother Goddess is all important, why are we calling our Didi, Didi?” asked Shamya Roy, “we should call her ‘Mago’.”

The question, which may have been followed by considerable option-weighing and lengthy discussion, was ignored; the subsequent suggestion ensured that the right form of address for ‘Mother’ became the issue at hand.

While some were in favour of ‘Mama’, others protested, saying it sounded like a shortened, and therefore disrespectful, version of Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee’s name.

Others suggested ‘Ma’, but that was dismissed as not being distinctly Bengali.

Shamya Roy tried several times to remind the Assembly that he had suggested ‘Mago’, but he was shouted down by Mamata Banerjee, who angrily pointed out that she was younger than Jayalalithaa.

However, her supporters tried to placate her by saying Jayalalithaa had assumed motherhood a couple of decades ago for the first time. This seemed to have the opposite effect, as Mamata Banerjee angrily chided them for delaying her change of title, and called for an impromptu Cabinet meeting to zero in on the right version of ‘Mother’.

As television channels broke the news, the Uttar Pradesh State Assembly was brought to a halt, as Chief Minister Mayawati ticked off her supporters for wasting time and money on garlanding her, without according her the status that befitted a woman who has already called herself a sister and daughter to her mentor.

“I refuse to be Behenji anymore,” she announced, and ordered her Chief Secretary and Principal Secretaries to prepare a list of alternate titles.

According to sources, the Finance Ministry of the state and the Department of Culture are nervous that they may be ordered to erase the old title and re-etch the new one – once it has been confirmed – on all statues of the Chief Minister across the state.

Virgins Take Offence to Osama Jokes

Mumbai

31 May, 2011

Virgins of various ages, ranging from 3 to 91, took out a candlelight vigil near the Gateway of India this evening, protesting against crude jokes about their breed servicing jihadis after death. It must be said, though, that not all those in the procession were aware of the cause they were fighting for. Many, especially those in the 3-10 and 80-91 age group, simply wanted ice cream.

A dancer, who can usually be spotted at most protest sites, and a writer who has written a single work of fiction and usually turns most places into protest sites, joined the procession, despite being married.

“This cause is so much bigger than marital status,” the dancer, who has often accused activists of hypocrisy, said.

“So what? You want me to declare independence from my marriage? I will! I declare independence from the institution of marriage!” the writer cried. She also promised an eighty-page essay that will be circulated exclusively among foreign newspapers before it is published in India, on the subject of marriage and virginity.

“Why they are making jokes about us?” a forty-year old virgin demanded, furiously, “they think we support terrorists or what? They think we want to sleep with them or what?”

While the women were vociferous in their condemnation of the jokes that have been circulating by email, a smaller group of male virgins discussed the absence of men from the cartoons, calling it gender discrimination.

“It is all because of feminism,” a seventy-year-old man fumed to this reporter, “madam, they are acting as if virginity is the exclusive domain of ladies!”

“I wish Anna Hazare would take up our cause,” a dejected teenaged boy said, “as an unmarried man, he should be able to empathise with our grievance.”

Another teenager, whose priorities seemed somewhat different said, “I mean, it’s not like we want to be sodomised by jihadis. But there have been cases of female suicide bombers. We’d like to watch them in action with the seventy-two virgins.”


Malayalis protest against offensive advertisements

March 11, 2011

Thiruvananthapuram

Thiruvananthapuram came to a standstill today as two camps of Malayalis held separate protests, claiming two television advertisements were offensive to what they called the ‘Meleyaeli zendimentch’.

One group had taken umbrage at an Idea Cellular advertisement that had a son of the soil pronouncing ‘Ram’ (the deity) in the same manner as ‘ram’ (the animal).

Having rather ambiguously named themselves ‘Meleyaelis Against Ideas Add’, they had the Department of Science in a bit of a flutter, but spokesperson Jiju Verghese clarified his stance.

“Vee are againz steereodybing of aur agzent,” he said, addressing the media, “vee zay Rame, not Raem. The Nordh Indian adverdizers are unfairly imbozing a bade imej to zujjust Meleyaelis don’tch knaw Inglish.”

The other group, ‘Meleyaelis Against STB’ was temporarily joined by a group of AIDS awareness activists, but the latter left disappointed after being told ‘STB’ stood for ‘Set Top Box’.

The spokesperson of this protest group, Ananthan Panicker, told media, “A Tata Sky adverdizement…”

“No, Dish TV,” another protester interrupted.

“No, Aredel,” said yet another.

“An SDB!” barked Panicker finally, “shows a Tamilian saying in Tamil that he is transferring to Jaipur, followed by Gadhagalli and Mogini aettam dancers following him. This reveals lag of awareness about the Meleyaeli gulture.”

A dissenter from the group told media separately that it wasn’t simply the lack of awareness in North India that they were against, but yet another attempt by the Tamilians to hijack the cultural cornerstones of their more artistic neighbour.

This reporter was about to leave the site of the protest when a foreign correspondent was heard doing the following piece to camera:

“London’s Hyde Park Corner seems to have found a parallel in Kerala’s Teeru…Teeru…Teeru-want-a-pooraam. This group you see behind me, headed by a man who will only identify himself as a panicker, has been advocating that people stop watching television. They believe it cuts into time that could be better spent learning the traditional arts of the state. This is Paul Wanderlust in Teeru-want-a-pooram, India.”

3 families outcast over doggy-style ménage à trios

25 February 2011

Jhajjar

A khap panchayat in Dharana village near Jhahhar town of Haryana has outcast three families over the misdemeanour of their dogs, and the impact has been felt as far off as Jantar Mantar in Delhi.

It all began when Sunny, a stray adopted by the Sangwan family of Dharana, was found in a compromising position with Lalli, who was being fed by the Chaudhury family of the same village.

As the village follows bhaichara, the two dogs have the same gotra and intercourse would amount to incest.

An impromptu khap panchayat decreed that Lalli must immediately tie a rakhi around Sunny’s paw.

Both dogs resisted – although it was not clear whether the reason was the dexterity of their digits or the strength of their passions – and the Chaudhury family was outcast over the outrageous behaviour of its pet.

Sunny was then married off to Gudiya, which has been raised by the Sheoran family of Kurukshetra.

But complications arose after the wedding, when the priest discovered that Gudiya was, in fact, a male dog. The couple was forcibly parted, although Sunny and Gudiya seemed to have formed an instantaneous, deep attachment to each other.

“We never knew she was male,” Sudeep Sheoran, who has raised Gudiya from infancy, said disconsolately, “we have only seen her in the company of male dogs. We conducted the wedding with so much pomp and fanfare. I don’t have any money left for my sister’s wedding. My mother hasn’t stopped crying. She is even fonder of Gudiya than of us.”

The panchayat doesn’t have a rule in place for this turn of events, and finally, declared the marriage annulled and ordered the Chaudhury family to leave the village.

Another khap panchayat called in Kurukshetra has outcast the Sheoran family too.

However, a group of protesters assembled in Jantar Mantar in the far-away national capital Delhi, holding up placards that reminded the country of the Article 377 victory.

The pride paraders brandished banners reading ‘Proud to be gay’, ‘Who needs bitches?’ and ‘Happy married life, Sunny and Gudiya’.

Meanwhile, there are rumours that Deepa Mehta and Ram Gopal Varma are involved in a bidding war over rights to make a film based on the incident.

Self-Immolation Complex at TN Secretariat

September 27, 2010

Chennai

The Tamil Nadu government has announced that a Self-Immolation Complex (SIC) will be set up at the state’s brand new Secretariat building.

“It is one of our state’s greatest traditions that since the time of Kannagi, people have been setting things on fire to protest against atrocities and in support of various causes,” a spokesperson for the ruling DMK party announced this morning, “we have decided to honour this by creating a separate area with complete amenities.”

These facilities will include a suicide kit – kerosene (at a subsidised cost), matchsticks and media coverage.

Guards have been appointed to keep ambulances out.

“Advance booking facility has been made available,” the spokesperson added, “suicidal Tamilians can avail this facility both online and through a hotline. Both the website and call centre will be inaugurated by the Honourable Chief Minister on 9 October.”

The auspicious date (9/10) was reportedly chosen because the Chief Minister’s favourite numerologist said it was the opposite of World Suicide Prevention day, which falls on 10 September (10/9).

At 9.10 a.m. on the set day, the Chief Minister will stand witness to the first suicide at the new SIC area.

Sources say a lucky victim will be chosen by lottery. As the demand is likely to outweigh the supply of dates and timings, the caste-based reservation system will apply.

This rider left suicidal members of the Brahmin community dismayed.

“This is very unfair,” a prospective victim said, “now, we have no choice but to go to Silicon Valley to look for ways of killing ourselves!”

The Kannagi statue will be relocated to the spot as a mark of honour.

“Initially, we had a debate on whether to install an electric incinerator, to ensure the green building maintains its carbon footprint,” an MLA said, refusing to reveal his name, “but since all our Chief Ministers for as long as we can remember are from the cine world, we had to choose the more dramatic suicide technique.”

 Eventually, the government hopes to have segregated areas for various kinds of protest, against or for – the rights of Sri Lankan Tamils, the rights of various castes, the use of Tamil and non-Tamil languages, screening of movies and miscellaneous causes.

TN Biharis to be taught a lesson

September 25, 2010
Chennai
 

Tamil Nadu Chief Minister Karunanidhi has announced free lessons in Tamil for the state’s North Indian population, which chiefly comprises Bihari labourers.

“Our great leader Kalaignar Mu. Karunanidhi has decided to follow the example set by Mumbai in teaching lessons to the dabbawaalas,” a spokesperson for the DMK told media this morning.

Apparently, the idea was triggered off by a five-hour ordeal Karunanidhi’s convoy suffered on Friday, while trying to find their way out of Boat Club Road. None of the watchmen spoke Tamil.

“We couldn’t even eat,” a member of the convoy told this journalist, on condition of anonymity, “at eight o’ clock, we spotted a chaatwala. But he could only speak Hindi.”

Sources said Karunanidhi and his followers believed they had found some reprieve when they came across a group of painters working at a house near Madras Boat Club.

However, it turned out the painters were from Bihar too.

“We called the Honourable Union Minister Azhagiri, in the hope that he has picked up some Hindi,” another member of the convoy said, “but he is still monolingual.”

Finally, the misadventure came to an end after a conference call was made to Rajya Sabha MP Kanimozhi (one of Karunanidhi’s children-in-politics) and the Governor of Tamil Nadu, Surjit Singh Barnala.

“Madam translated our request into English, and conveyed the same to His Excellency, who spoke to the Biharis and gave us directions,” a relieved participant in the gruelling journey said.

A discussion on the manner in which these lessons will be forced on the immigrant population of the state is expected to take up most of the day in the Legislative Assembly on Monday.