Friday, July 08, 2011

Slutwalk? Let's Have a Gigolo Walk Instead!

(Published in Sify.com on 8 July, 2011, retrieved from http://www.sify.com/news/slutwalk-let-s-have-a-gigolo-walk-instead-news-columns-lhhm64dgbed.html)







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“Dude, it’s like chicks have it easy everywhere, man. We...”
“Dude, don’t say ‘chick’! My girlfriend’s FB status says ‘Women are not poultry’.”
“Huh? What does that have to do with anything?”
“Apparently, it’s a pejorative. Like ‘faggot’ or ‘retard’ or...”
“Dude, you are so pu...”
“Dude, just say ‘whipped’. Yes, I am.”
“So, you’d do anything to lay chicks that don’t lay eggs?”
“Dude, shut up. She’s got spies, man. What’s your point?”
“Man, we’ve got ‘Ladies’ Seats’ in the bus and metro. And it doesn’t matter that they work for pleasure, and we work for money. We’ve got to stand up to let them sit after a hard day at the office. But we’re supposed to pay after a date, and we’re supposed to hold doors open, and we’re supposed to buy flowers...”
“Oh, no, dude, some chi...well, women, decided we’re being benevolently sexist if we do those things, so we’re offending them.”
“Oh. Those sound like nice women. Are they single?”
“I think they’re lesbian.”
“Dude, that’s hot!”
Dude! Hush, ok? My girlfriend’s in India’s Slutwalk. Wait, no, not Slutwalk. They’re calling it Besharmi Morcha.”
“Like, ‘Shameless Demonstration’?”
“Yeah.”
“So, they’re going to wear slutty clothes like all those other feminist chicks across the world? Dude, that’s hot!”
“No, man. They’re wearing salwars. This is India. No skin show.”
“So, how’re they planning to make their point? And where’s the fun in it?”
“I don’t know. It’s supposed to be dignified or something.”
“Dude, you know what? We should have a protest too. I mean, India’s like anti-men, man. We don’t get dowry anymore. If you marry someone hysterical...”
“Dude, don’t say ‘hysterical’. That’s a pejorative. It means ‘from the uterus’ or something.”
“Okay, if you marry someone from the uterus, who commits suicide within a few years or marriage, you and your mom could get arrested. Imagine all those lectures, inside prison too!”
“Oh, you’ll be in separate cells.”
“No, dude, I’m serious here. It’s not dowry alone, it’s everything. They talk about female infanticide, and domestic abuse, but what about little boys being kidnapped and made to beg, and serve in tea shops, and work in farms?”
“I think social workers take care of those things. Not feminists.”
“Dude, has your girlfriend ever been charged for extra baggage at airports? Do bus conductors ever check her tickets? Do auto guys swear at her?”
“I think some of those have groped her occasionally.”
“Dude, we get groped outside malls all the time. Especially after this whole terrorism thing blew up in our faces. And then, there’s that 33.33 percent reservation thingy.”
“I don’t think they went into decimals. But yeah, Sonia’s kind of hyper about it.”
“What’s the point of that bill anyway? Most of our female politicians are the wives or daughters or daughters-in-law or mistresses of male politicians. Like that Bill’s going to change things. My point is, it was fair enough when they wanted the right to vote and work. Then, they didn’t want their titles to reveal their marital status. Fine, whatever floats their boats. They burnt bras, which was kind of awesome. But...”
“Dude, my girlfriend’s been reading some chi...woman called Germaine Greer who wants women to, like, drink their own blood.”
“Like what for, some Wicca sisterhood thing?”
“No, dude...blood from there.”
“Where?”
Menstrual blood, dude.”
“Oh, man!!! That is so gross. Eww, dude, why did you tell me that?”
“Just wanted to spread the cheer. Anyway, that was long ago. This Besharmi Morcha is because some cop said chi...women should stop dressing slutty to avoid getting victimised.”
“Dude! Why would he say that? Is he gay?”
“Don’t think so. He apologised later.”
“He should. What kind of dude does that to his bros? What does he want, women in burkhas? I mean, we can’t just download porn all the time.”
“No, man, he apologised to women, not to men.”
“You know what? We should do something too. This whole thing about women’s rights is overshadowing ours, man. They whine whether or not we pay for dinners, and whether or not we open and close doors. They want us to cook and change diapers, and work, and support them when they work.”
“Dude, my girlfriend freaked me out that day. She said she’d want her husband to be inside there, watching and feeling her pain, when she has a kid. Like, you know, delivers it.”
“Ouch, man! Don’t get her pregnant, dude, whatever you do. Anyway, I just don’t get it. They want to be in the Army and Air Force, but they want to get pregnant whenever they want to, and they call it an ‘excuse’ when the Army says they can’t get on to the battlefield because they could be taken prisoner and raped at war time. They want to be temple priests. And they don’t want to change their names...”
“Yeah, oh, apparently, it has to do with identity.”
“Dude, as Shakespeare may have said, a chick by any other name would cluck as loud.”
Dude! You’re going to get me dumped.”
“You know, this whole thing is getting too warped, and political, man. You know, I read this article a few years ago about how London’s changed ‘Christmas Lights’ to ‘Winter Lights’ because they didn’t want to offend non-Christians.”
“What does that have to do with this Slutwalk thing?”
“I mean, this whole thing will lead to paralysed political correctness. Why are they going on about labels and clothes?”
“You mean, like shopping?”
“No, not those labels! I mean, don’t you think it’s a little ironic that in a country where the so-called ‘women’s problems’ have become human rights issues – infanticide, dowry, eve-teasing, marital rape, whatever – these women are focusing on things like ‘chick’ and ‘slut’? I think it’s men who are marginalised now.”
“So, what do you propose we do?”
“We should have a Gigolo Walk.”
“Dude! You mean, like wear undies and abdomen guards and do a march? They’d call it obscene and offensive, and arrest us!”
“So, what you’re saying is all these Slutwalk campaigners have entertained the world with skimpy clothing, in the process of railing against objectification?”
“Dude, for a guy who’s a chauvinist, you know a lot about feminism.”
“It’s the whole ‘know your enemies’ thing. But I’m not a chauvinist, dude. I’m a regular guy. It’s just that we’ve all been damaged by feminism. You remember that woman who came to school and ranted about breast-feeding?”
“Oh, man, I’ll never forget. I think I stopped visiting Palika Bazaar for CDs after that. ‘Why are you laughing at the word “breast-feeding”? After all, you all were breast-fed by your mothers. And you’re going to watch your wives breast-feed your children!’ Why would she say that, dude? It still makes me shudder! Who wants to think of moms when they’re thinking of...”
“Don’t say it, man. The thing is, women don’t get arrested for indecent exposure because they’re anatomically more attractive than we are. And they should realise the sexes can’t be equal. We all have privileges. Like they can apply for maternity leave without being pregnant, disappear on a three-month vacation, and come back baby-less and say ‘I don’t want to talk about it’. The only leave we get is for weddings, and they want an invitation as proof. I don’t see them asking for sonograms as proof.”
“Yeah, man, you’re right. And I mean, they can’t open their own cans, but no one thinks they’re losers if they ask for directions.”
“Right! That’s why we need a Gigolo Walk.”
“Dude, I’m telling you, we’ll get arrested. How often do you see girls flipping through pictures of naked men, man?”
“We could wear boxers. Or what the hell, this is India. We could wear kurtas.
“Are you serious about this?”
“Yeah, I’m going to make a Facebook page.”
“Dude, there’s a problem...do you think people know what ‘gigolo’ means?”
“You’re right. What if we call it Besharam Purushon Andolan?”

10 comments:

the.orchestra.of.life said...

hahahaaha .... what a piece !!
"Just wanted to spread the cheer" .... totally cracked me up :)

Nandini Krishnan said...

Thank you! :-)

Arun Nat said...

Chi...well,woman you've penned a great piece.:P

Sleek and pungent. +1'd it. Keep them coming

Nandini Krishnan said...

:-D Thanks, Arun.

Arun Nat said...

Btw,for some reason,though i follow the blog,I'm not updated the new blog entries;ergo i need to check manually. Any clue why? Or has anybody else complained?

Nandini Krishnan said...

Oh! No, no clue at all. Let me check with Blogger.

André said...

It was a clever article, and funny, but only so long as you close your mind to what it seems to say.

It seems to say that women are making too much of a fuss in trying to get rights for themselves. How dare they expect to be able to work, to have babies anytime *they* choose, that their husbands cook and support them in their work, that they participate in the delivery of the children they helped create?

If these are not what you would call "human rights issues", are they necessarily trivial and worthy of ridicule? I don't think so at all.

In fact, the whole point of the article seems to be to cut down the Slutwalk as unnecessary and ridiculous. It isn't even as though you argue its case for it; you merely put pubescent arguments in the mouths of what I hope to God are meant to be teenagers.

Unless there is a deeper statement that I just didn't get, of the kind that says "Here is how men typically think about women's rights, and I am presenting it to you so you can think about it", I think you're doing us - your readers in general - a disservice.

Nandini Krishnan said...

Hi Andre,

Thanks for your comments. I don't write with an agenda. Naturally, I have certain views on the Slutwalk and on women's rights in general, which may be on my mind when I write about the issue, but I think as a reader, you should make of it what you will. I don't think it's my place to explain what I feel, or what you should.

denis khan said...

menstrual blood does have therapeutic value wich has been condemned by organized patriarchal religions. Secret cults require drnking menstrual blood.
could u elaborate on this?

Nandini Krishnan said...

No. Why put myself and everyone else through research on that?!

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