Monday, February 06, 2006

"Maybe he's GAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY...!!!!"


As the topic suggests, this one is a lighter post than the ones I've already put up. One of my close friends argues about everything in the world. You could say "the sky's a nice blue today" and he'd launch into a lecture on wavelength and perception and whatnot. So, this one day, this guy, another friend of mine and I were chatting about a couple that had broken up. And I said "you know, the boy's 21 and you know what guys are like!" and while my female friend nodded, our argument-maniac goes "what the hell do you mean you know what guys are like? Why do you women generalise so much? A guy would never say you know what women are like! I mean, if we do, it's about shopping and superficial things that don't matter! You women go on about things that do matter, like our feelings, man! I mean, you go into a bar and find a group of chicks and one woman's crying because a guy doesn't like her, and then all the rest go "maybe he's gaaaayyyy!" and..."

That was when we two women began to laugh. "We don't say that, come on!" "Yeah, have you ever said 'No, he's gaaayyyy'???" "NOO!" And Mr. Argument goes on "no, you women do! Oh my God, shit man, I've gone into so many bars and heard so many of these conversations!" And we both kept laughing at him.

Mr. Argument got a laugh back when we went to watch 'Just Friends', though. We sort of happened to watch it, the initial plan had been to watch 'Jarhead' and we had the timings wrong. Well...so this guy doesn't make any move when the woman's sleeping in only a shirt next to him, and the woman's whining to her friend the next day and the friend goes "maybe he's gaaaayyyy!" We both get a quick nudge from Mr. Argument. Fiiiii-iiiine!!!!

I was speaking to a friend of mine, a journalist I met during the India-Australia series, while we were waiting for three hours for Saurav Ganguly to come in and make an announcement about the team selection for the next test, and we got to talking about types of women. And I told him there were some six types, and he asked me to mail him so he could put it up on his blog, which is incidentally, http://indiauncut.blogspot.com/. I kept putting it off, and eventually, am putting down the categories on my own blog. We women usually can't accept the fact that a man is simply not attracted to us. He has to be gaaaayyyy, if you're throwing yourself at him and he doesn't want that. Whereas if a guy's throwing himself at you when you don't want it, he's just "horny". Sometimes, I think, we women really are snooty bitches!

As for the categories, there's the universal "Dumb Blonde". They're the kind that look dumb, so most men feel secure and intelligent around them, but they're so hot and sexy (and maybe easy) that the next guy who's nice could have them. So these Dumb Blondes have evolved to be very clever when it comes to handling men in relationships. So you see a guy who's got the best job in the world, is the most talented at what he does, and so intelligent he could talk about anything. But for some reason, he's with the Dumb Blonde. This topic, obviously, will be analysed in greater detail eventually. The Dumb Blonde has some sort of hold on a guy. She could even say she doesn't want to spoil her figure by having kids, and he'd agree to it. Okay, there may be subcategories involved - Dumb Blonde Bitch, who'd flirt with just about anyone and refuse to have kids, and perpetually have this guy running circles around her little finger. Then there's Dumb Blonde Ex-Beauty, who's going to get married to this guy, have three kids and become a typical housewife with all its negative connotations, so the guy starts looking for Dumb Blonde Bitches outside of marriage. And then comes the ugly divorce, and the non-graduate Dumb Blonde Ex-Beauty starts looking for a job that will support three kids. Alternatively, Dumb Blonde Ex-Beauty might not be married to our Who's the Dude. She might be married to Hot Guy in College, who's now a slacker who lives off her.

The other obvious category is the "Independent Woman". She lunches alone, is a feminist who'd feel insulted if a guy opened the door for her, would hold her own with most men in debates and drive her point in till they decide to avoid her. Because, usually, men like women staring at them now and then with an "oh, I didn't know that, it's so fascinating!" look, when they're holding forth on extremely complicated subjects like the stockmarket (which women can't understand...ask any man!) or politics (hohohohoho, women don't talk about why the country's going to the dogs and therefore don't know anything about it!) or some impossible scientific concept, like why one should wear glasses while skiing (come on, women are not supposed to know about snow blindness). Anyway, the men call this sort of Independent Woman a Know All, and would smirk when she's mentioned. Of course, there are certain types of the Independent Woman.

There's the Charming Independent Woman, who'll get married to Who's the Dude if she plays her cards right. She's got men falling for her all over the place. She's the kind who knows when to say "oh, I didn't know that, it's so fascinating!" and she smiles when a guy opens the door for her. She can also occasionally get away with saying "you know, this whole deal with the gilt securities thing - creating more of them to satisfy the liabilities because of the pension funds - is just crazy because it's only a vicious circle. There's so many of them, there are going to be more liabilities!" And Who's the Dude thinks "whoa, this girl understands stocks and shares!"

There's Obnoxious Independent Woman, who's also a Man-Hater/Eater. She thinks men are rubbish, she doesn't need a man in her life, no man's ever going to tell her what to do and what not to do, she won't ever think of changing her name after marriage, and most probably not of marriage. And if she ever sees a guy who expects his wife to change her name after marriage, she'll give him such a punch in the stomach he won't ever want to look another woman in the face and suggest such an outrageous thing to her.

Then there's Pseudo Independent Woman, who's afraid to admit she'd rather have the lifestyle Dumb Blonde Ex-Beauty has. Without the mistakes Dumb Blonde Ex-Beauty made, because she's not dumb, remember? This woman agrees with all her Obnoxious Independent Woman friends, and secretly wonders why men don't find her independence attractive. She's going to be the Old Maid Bitter Aunt, whom everyone's sort of scared of and makes fun of in secret.

Then there are Child Woman and Mature Woman. Child Woman is a cross between Dumb Blonde Ex-Beauty and Charming Independent Woman, and is usually lost in the middle. Dumb Blonde Ex-Beauty would pinch Child Woman's cheeks and go "oh, you're sooo cuuuute!" while Charming Independent Woman would smile at Child Woman and then make fun of her with CIW's male friends. A lot of men would be happy with Child Woman, but these are the sort of men that would buy the cuddly teddy bears and other Valentine gifts and cards that Child Woman expects on February 14th. She can get really annoying, because she's not as immature as she pretends to be.

Mature Woman grows up hoping to be considered older than she is. There are, again, two categories here. One is Tomboy Mature Woman and the other is Maternal Mature Woman. The Tomboy Mature Woman has more male friends than female, and yeah, more male friends than boyfriends (the period of count being a lifetime). She's not daunted by ribald jokes, laughs at a whole lot of people and things, and can get guy jokes and not be put off. Occasionally, there's the pressure to go "eeeeewwww!", but hey, that can be dealt with. Maternal Mature Woman's the sort one could take home and get married to, and have a pretty decent life with. She's probably the kind who's decided she's okay with being a schoolteacher or something, where she can actually get to exercise her maternal instincts constantly, or to be a housewife, but it's a conscious decision.

There are tonnes of other categories, and I will probably cover some of them in a while, when I have nothing else to do that seems more pressing than categorising women. I'm sort of still wondering in which category to place a woman who recently said to me, "you know, there's no point in being beautiful...it's a headache...trust me on it", at which point, she placed her hand on mine and nodded sadly.

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