(Published in Sify.com, on January 21, 2015, retrieved from http://www.sify.com/news/dear-justice-katju-please-advice-this-unmarried-woman-news-topnews-pbviRqccehijc.html)
Dear Justice Katju,
Unlike most of my ilk, I am a dedicated fan of yours. Every morning, I navigate to your Facebook page, and sometimes check out your blog, as much to keep up with your interpretations of literature, as to find out how I must live in this vile world.
Last month, I read with fascination your Facebook note Gay Relationships and Gay Marriages, and was moved to slow-clap when I came across your marvellous deconstruction of George Bernard Shaw’s Man and Superman.
Of course, I take it you’re aware of the number of children Shaw himself had. No doubt this overwhelming number, combined with the moral of his play Man and Superman, is proof of Shaw’s disapproval of homosexuality and homosexual marriages, which should be reason enough never to legalise them in India.
May the Life Force be with you, good sir, for that post immediately changed my perspective on life.
Inspired by your post, I was all set to “get hold of a man, not merely to make [me] pregnant, but also to look after [me] and provide for [me] financially while [I am] performing this role.”
Following your advice, I re-read Man and Superman, and watched Fatal Attraction, to fine-tune my mode of pursuit of young men. Unwittingly, I revealed my respect for you and your views on love, marriage, and sex.
And so, all the candidates I had shortlisted for the act of getting me pregnant, and looking after me financially, also read your post, enigmatically titled ‘Marriage’.
This has had a rather disastrous effect, as many of these men have begun to get wary of my pursuit, while others are confused.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m sure all the young men whom I know are charmed by the idea of my greeting them, and preparing a cup of tea for them after they get home from a hard day’s work. They are pleased at the idea that I will prepare good food for them.
However, one raised the point that this duty is just as well performed by the waiters at the restaurants we frequent on dates.
I, in turn, argued that you also suggest that they will have “someone to talk to, someone to take care of [them] when [they] are unwell”, but he said that that was what why he had a psychiatrist and family doctor, and so I was redundant.
When this question was posed to me by all my shortlisted suitors, I looked up your blog, and asked them to consider that I might want to “partake of their thoughts, worries, and aspirations”. That stuck for a while, but then one said that his thoughts, worries, and aspirations usually got a warmer response on Facebook. What can I do, I only have one ‘Like’ option at my disposal.
What has really done me in, though, is this line – “get love (and all that it entails), companionship and friendship.” Now, “all that it entails” is presumably either sex, or your translation of a Sanskrit sloka: "A woman is angry at one moment, happy at the next, angry again the moment thereafter, and happy again the next".
Some of my suitors have now decided that I am too even-tempered to make a good wife. Indeed, I am too even-tempered to even be a woman.
Among those who remain, some tried following the advice you have to offer, from your 44-year experience of marriage. You said, “The way to handle your lady is to become mum when she [is] enraged, and wait till she is cool again. Thereafter you will find her very sweet and full of affection for you.”
Unfortunately, that is not the case with me. Kya karen, blame it on my being a columnist. When I find silence at the other end, in response to my rage, I get further enraged.
The other major problem your blog has caused in my pursuit of a suitable impregnator is your warning that “not all women are beautiful and wonderful”, and often the “very beautiful” ones have “terrible natures”, and can “make their husband’s lives hell”. You also suggested that “many plain or even ugly looking women who had such a good and kind nature that they made their husbands' lives heaven.”
The prospective fathers of my unborn children are not sure to which of these categories I may belong.
So, some are checking with other people to see whether I qualify as very beautiful, plain, or ugly.
Others are trying to do a background check on me, but again, they are not sure what that entails.
The nail in the coffin of my grand marital and procreational plans was your suggestion that they should check my academic qualifications and work experience, since “in these days of high prices it may be necessary to have a working and earning wife”, to supplement their income in order to raise our “coming child or children”.
Some have asked me to send me my CV, which I can’t find, since I stopped working several years ago.
Some want proof that I received High Distinction or Distinction in each of my degrees – I am not sure whether this is with the intention of genetically engineering intelligent children, or channelling a good job.
One – and I must say he is the only suitor who is still vaguely interested in me – has suggested that the only way to ensure that I am working and earning, and also capable of greeting him with a smile, tea, good food, and conversation, while providing “love (and all that it entails)” is to become a geisha. Could you please guide me to a school that trains geishas today? Is it not against Indian culture? Or do you think we should look Eastwards for culture?
My training as a geisha is crucial, because, failing this, it appears I am doomed to remain single and become “prone to psychological problems”, as you kindly pointed out in your post about gay relationships.
For a moment, I considered getting a woman to live with me, so that I would not be single. Then, I remembered that “it is only sex between a man and a woman which will give birth to a child, not sex between a man and a man, or between a woman and a woman.”
And marriage which does not lead to the production of children is “humbug and nonsense”.
So, now, I am forced to choose between my sanity and my Life Force.